I am completely aware that I haven't posted here in well over a year (two whole ship contracts have gone by!) but I miss it.

Anyone home?

Even though everyone who works there seems to die a prompt and painful death, my new goal in life is to work for Torchwood.

One would think that by now in my life I would be completely used to just packing it all up, hopping on a plane, and going somewhere where I don't know a soul. One would think that at this point I'd just be numb to the constant sadness of people coming and going and making friends just to leave them. One would think. But then, they'd be wrong.

It's not like my lifestyle hasn't been entirely self-inflicted. Every time I've moved or started a new job it's been my choice completely. And, so far, it has always worked out for the best. I've never hated my job, and in all my years of having a roommate there have only been two I'd wanted to lock in a cupboard and ignore. I'd call that fairly successful. So why then am I always so nervous and terrified about stating a new chapter?

I am trying to make myself think of the positives. The one good thing that always does spring to mind about my nomadic lifestyle is that I really can be whoever I want to be. If I don't like something about myself, I can change it, and no one needs to know that I wasn't always that way. It's nicely liberating. It comes down to the silliest things, too. I just bought new glasses, and thought that maybe I'm not quite cool enough to wear them. But where I'm going next, no one knows me. I can be as cool as I want to be. There will be no expectations.

It does tend to get old, though. All the moving. My heart still belongs to the people I went to college with, and I hardly ever get to see them. I've also still never had a relationship to speak of, which becomes less and less cute and naive as years gone by. I mean, I'm not a complete nun, there was one terribly exciting evening in Australia that involved me making out with a boy on a street corner, but, you know. There are people I went to high school with who are married with babies. Not that I want anything to do with anyone I went to high school with, really, but you know what I mean. Maybe on this next ship I'll meet a nice nerdy boy who loves traveling and science fiction and theater as much as I do. Yeah, I'm not holding my breath either.

My friend made me watch this and has basically ruined my life.

I'm going to get my one nitpick off my chest right off the bat: the timeline drives me bonkers.

The first time we flash back to Jacksonville, Olivia is 3 years old, at Walter and Belly's "daycare", undergoing the Cortexiphan trials. Olivia claims to have no recollection of her time at this daycare, which - OK, if she was 3, sure. Flash forward to the episode "Subject 13", where Olivia is clearly much older. I think she's actually only supposed to be about 5 - really (it's 1985, Olivia is one year younger than Peter and he was born in 1979 - so 5, yeah?), but Karley Collins is 12. So it makes it a little difficult to swallow. And even so, Olivia remembers living in Jacksonville, she remembers the house with the red door, she remembers her scary stepfather - and when Peter finds her in that house in "Lysergic Acid Diethylamide" she is much younger than 5. So why doesn't she remember the daycare, Walter, or Peter? The scene she has with Peter in the tulip field seems like something you'd remember, even if you were only a little kid. So it all sort of bothers me.

ANYWAY. What I was actually going to bring up here is that I think the fact that little Olivia was reading "Winter's Tale" is a clue, or at least some foreshadowing, because I don't care how brilliant Olivia is, there's no way a child is getting through that book. Let's examine:

-The book takes place mostly in New York City, but it's not our New York City.
-The main character is Peter Lake, and he essentially falls through a wormhole and comes out a century later.

CURIOUS, NO?

There's also no way that Peter 'never existed'. Even though, I suppose, Walter and Belly would have still discovered the Redverse, the catalyst for his actually crossing over never would have existed. The two universes would never have started deteriorating. But even if, by some other path, Walter broke the universe by taking something between them - Peter never having existed sort of erases the entire show. It's like those 70s shows where entire seasons turned out to be dreams. Even if Olivia still ended up working with Walter - Peter was instrumental to solving so many mysteries. His friend in the used bookstore. His time overseas. All of these were crucial.

And even if everything major still worked out - the core of the show is Peter and his relationships with both Olivia and Walter. The driving force behind everything Walter does is keeping Peter safe, and dealing with his all-consuming guilt over not returning him to the Redverse when he was a child. Olivia never would have gone to the Redverse to save him, the Olivias never would have switched, Fauxlivia wouldn't have had Henry - AND BASICALLY EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN EMOTIONALLY RESONANT SCENE NEVER HAPPENED. Which I refuse to believe. Obviously Peter 'exists', Joshua Jackson is still on the show, but The Observers don't tend to be wrong.

Also, because time travel and all its infinite paradoxes make my brain hurt, can someone explain to me about the Machine? Walter sent it back in time? So where the fuck did he find it? The same Walter who found it is the one who sent it back? And what does he mean, he did it, so he can't change it, but Peter can make a different choice? This isn't a nitpick at all, I just don't understand.

Ultimately, though, I'm optimistic, because despite a couple of minor dropped sideplots (what the hell happened to that FBI agent who was super interested in Fringe stuff and was linking Fringe events to Bible verses?) everything holds together remarkably well for such a complicated show. I'm excited to see where Peter ends up being, and I am absolutely ecstatic that Seth Gabel is a regular for season 4 because I am 100% in fictional love with Lincoln Lee. Both Lincolns are fine, but Redverse Lincoln? Marry me. His scene with Liv in "Bloodline"? I WEPT. I think I almost ship Lincoln/Liv more than Peter/Olivia, which has got to be some sort of Fringe blasphemy or something.

Anyway. I like that this show makes me think. Where is Peter Bishop?

 我不能继续住在这里。 我真的受不了。我越还在这儿，我越跟我的家人吵架。我开始觉得我真的是一个讨厌的人。

即使他们说不对的话，即使他们撒谎，我不能改正，顶撞。这是没礼貌的。

 Anyone else?

It seems like today everyone just uses Facebook messenger to chat, but - I don't like it. I actually don't much care for Facebook, and I feel like that basically makes me an internet freak of nature, but I don't care.

I miss AIM. 

 Posting, that is. 

I'm doing better?

At home still. I'm technically scheduled to go to the Ruby Princess on September 27, but that's a very long vacation, and let's be real, I'm already going out of my mind being home all day every day with no car, no friends, and nothing to do except catch up on TV. (the catching up on TV has been fabulous, don't get me wrong!)

Lots of time to think about what I want to do with my life, which is always depressing and confusing. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job, living on the ocean is amazing, but at the end of the day all I want to do is theater. And I keep hoping that if I get a job I love I'll start to be happier and not just want to do that all day, but... that never happens! I suppose I should take that as a sign, but... I'm apparently not that smart!

 Everyone who knows me knows I'm not a terribly patriotic person, and living among mostly people from other countries, they let me know on an almost daily basis all the things America has "done wrong". But, today is the one day a year when I'm probably be allowed to be vocally proud of where I'm from, and I'm going to be. Sure, the USA has done a lot of terrible things, but at the end of the day, I still think that there is an optimism and strength at its core that makes it a great place. I'm lucky to live here, and I'm lucky to be from Boston, which still holds up as one of the most beautiful cities in the world, even when I've been to many, many cities.

So Happy Birthday, America. Keep fixing what's broken, don't ever think you're perfect, but keep on rocking on.

 Internet on the ship sucked, but that's still absolutely no excuse for my having not posted once the entire time I was on the ship.

I have had this Livejournal for SO LONG, I really want to get back into it!!

 I'm not sure why I'm so terrified about leaving tomorrow, but I am. I start to panic when I think about it. It seems so strange. Packing up and leaving while knowing no one and not having a clue what I'm doing is more or less what I do. Been doing it for years! It seems like the older I get, the less adventurous I get, which makes me sad. I want to be completely confident as I blast off towards Australia, but I'm not. I haven't even started packing and my room is a mess, and I'm sitting online trying not to cry. Keep on being mature, Jacki. Geez.